I'm walking backwards to Christmas

Right. So we now have a DVD player, and some stuff to watch on it. The picture quality's fine, but it's nowhere near as user-friendly as video. If you realise you haven't got time to watch the whole thing you can't take it out and two days later put it back in and it'll play from where you left off. And you can't even rewind a minute or two after saying "Ooh, did I really just see that?".

No, it's not Progress.

Oh, before I forget - Happy New Year, everyone!

I'm glad I spent it with you

When I was at school I never got to be a prefect. I was Ink Monitor once, which was quite fun. In those days we all sat at proper desks with inkwells for real ink, which had to be carefully poured from a large bottle to avoid a disastrous spillage. Quite often some bright spark had stuffed the inkwell full of blotting paper, which had to be winkled out with the point of a pair of compasses. Another term I was very proud to be Pencil-Monitor, which involved the great responsibility of sharpening all the pencils in a marvellous machine with a turny handle which went kerchunka-chunka-chunka; you had to be careful not to get too enthralled and grind a pencil down to a stump. (Milk Monitor was a position nobody relished - although you got to leave class early before break in order to fetch the crate of milk, you didn't half get some stick if you brought the one that had been too close to a radiator and the milk was tepid. And those horrid waxed-paper straws, that went all soggy long before your third-of-a-pint was finished and no matter how hard you sucked nothing would reach your mouth.) Once I was even Form Vice-Captain, which seemed to be a courtesy title only - I don't remember having any task to perform, and certainly not one involving any sort of vices. For all those positions there was a cool enamelled badge to wear on your jumper next to your house (Constable, Chicheley or Dereham at one junior school; Courteney, School or Newton at a senior school) badge, so that everyone knew how important you were. But I was never a prefect. However I've gone even better now. For Christmas I was given a beautiful shield-shaped enamelled badge. Modern schoolchildren won't notice the difference.

She tied you to a kitchen chair

As you may or may not know, Ned's beard has been a vital feature at his work, despite my serious dislike of its extravagant fullness and flamboyance; in fact I only tolerated it under protest and with the promise that everyone else at work would dress up as elves (they bottled out, the worms) and that I could deal with it as a present. So I was delighted to receive this lovely stiffkit.



I started playing straight away.



Just before my four months of control end, I might wax him from top to toe ....

You'd better be good for goodness' sake

Or you might find a strange bearded man in your bedroom tonight ....




Merry Christmas, everyone!

You won't be seeing rainbows any more

This morning we saw 999 in a car park in Banbury. After four years, eight and a half months it's over!

*wonders how long it will be before we stop automatically looking at every numberplate we see*

It's the final countdown

No, not till Christmas, although we're certainly counting down the shifts we need to work until the big day. (I have 6 to go, Ned has 7, then we both collapse exhausted.) No, I'm talking about consecutive numberplate spotting. Way back in the mists of time (2004 actually) Stu told us about this stupid pointless timewasting addictive obsessive pastime and we laughed. And promptly began playing the game (not 'The Game', but the CNPS game). I'm not certain of the exact date we started but by April 27th I'd spotted #3. We had the occasional good run, spotting one or two most days, and the occasional bad run, where we spotted 10 in order but were missing the one prior to that run. But we're nothing if not persistent and tenacious, and stuck at it, although it became more difficult when our weekly mileage dropped from about 400 miles a week to 40.

We now only have to see 999 and our mission will be complete. I wonder what we'll do next.

How bizarre

Today a foreigner asked me how to spell R.S.P.C.A.

Sleeping in the hedgerow

Some weeks ago at work I had a deputation of two teacher and two small children with a box containing a very weak young hedgehog they'd found in the middle of the playing field. It had no obvious injuries but was very cold and very small, so I took it in to start its care by warming it. At close of play that evening I took it home with me to continue the intensive care with hot water bottles (covered to avoid piercing!) and rehydrating fluid. As it warmed it became more active, and after a few hours was swallowing the warm fluid thirstily. It was left overnight with warmth, special invalid food and drink. When I went down in the morning I opened the box, the patient took a few paces then promptly died, which was very disappointing.

A few days ago during the bitterly cold spell there was a ring on the doorbell, and outside was my neighbour with her small daughter earnestly clutching a cardboard box. Inside was another small hedgehog they'd found and brought for me to look after. Unfortunately even warming this one up would have done no good, for it was totally frozen solid and as stiff as a board. It felt a little strange to be given a corpse.

Ground control to Major Tom

I don't know why this experiment filled me with utter delight when I read about it, and I wonder why I was so concerned about the two without helmets! I'd love to do something like that - and they got them back safely too!

You better hurry cos it may not last

Did you know that credit card companies insist you should pay, including all accrued overdue interest charges, even though they send your bill to the wrong country?

'Nuff said - legal action possibly pending.

Somewhere there is Morningtown, many miles away

Isn't it odd that, when you've got to get up especially early for a busy day, it takes ages to get to sleep the night before? You finally pass out, exhausted, about half an hour before the alarm wakes you, and you go through the day in a trance, looking and feeling like death.

Stand by your man

I think I might have stood a bit too close to him. Man-flu seems to have crossed the species barrier from male to female (and yes, you blokes are another species sometimes!). However I now realise that it only lasts 24 hours, so there'll be no excuses in the future.

Roman in the gloamin'

We have two small ponds in the garden; the orginal plan was that water would be pumped from the bottom one to the top then trickle aesthetically down a little pebbly rill back to the bottom one. Thus the water would be constantly aerated for the happy survival of ornamental fishies in the top and froggies and newts and suchlike in the bottom one. Unfortunately it never really worked out like that because we never got around to permanently wiring in the pump which meant that it only worked when the back door was open to be plugged in, so it could only be on when we were in, and when it was off there was too much water in one pond and not enough in the other, and it was all a bit pants really. Then half the fish died, and a heron ate the other half, and the ponds started smelling manky, so I decided that this summer, before any wildlife settled in the sludge at the bottom to hibernate I'd empty them both and fill them in.

I'd get the bottom pond nearly empty (baling it out bucketful by bucketful, and taking any efts I found across the field to a real wild pond) then have to go to stop for a break because my back ached and it was usually getting late and supper needed cooking. Of course it was at this point, every time (oh yes, I've done this several times) it rained, and filled the pond again.

Ned reckons it's a Sisyphean task that will never be complete, but I reckon it's merely Herculean and will be done eventually. I wonder if the Greeks or Romans are right.

Working together they get the job done

Barack Obama
Can we fix it?
Barack Obama
Yes we can!

Let's hope so anyway!

(With apologies to Bob The Builder)

Rockabye, sweet baby James?

Ned was emailed a picture which has caused great consternation at Genie Towers. Ned studied it carefully and couldn't be certain; I studied it carefully and couldn't be certain. So we called the Boy to have a look and see what he thought. He too studied it carefully, and finally decided that no, it couldn't be him because his trousers don't have a white lining to the pocket.

I'm not sure if that was meant to reassure me or not.

I'm sorry, so sorry

For being late. I'm usually very punctual - I've been known to be up to an hour early sometimes, and not only when the clocks have just changed - and today's slip was a genuine error. I thought my appointment was at 10.40 so I was there, ready, at 10.30 (early, you see?) only to be told my appointment was really at 10.20. So I apologised profusely and asked if I should reschedule for another day. "First I'll see if the nurse can fit you in, though she's very busy today." So I waited patiently (see what I did there?) and read the only slightly out of date magazines until my name was called. Again I apologised for my mistake and thanked her being able to see me after all.

Which is why I think it was a bit unkind of her not to warm the speculum first, or to allow it to spring open unexpectedly on removal. To be fair, she apologised in her turn and I think the latter was a genuine accident, but it didn't half make my eyes water.

Baby it's cold outside

What's happening? First of all I went outside to put the wheelie bin out, glanced at the numberplate of a passing car (like you do - is it 987?) and the plate was obscured by snow! A few minutes later I wnet to get some logs and found it's snowing, quite heavily. Come on, it's still only October - and they go on about global warming? At this rate I'm going to have to put the heating on.

It's the way that you say it

A 4-pack of yoghurts costs £1.65. An 8-pack of the same yoghurts costs £2.88. A "Special Offer" ticket announces that two 4-packs is a bargain at £3.00.

I bought the 8-pack.

And the nurse shall hold a basin

We were told a few weeks ago that the practice is due for its official inspection in the next couple of months, so every spare moment has been spent cleaning even in the most inaccessible and unlikely places, and not just with the usual cleaning products but extra special ones. Even the inside of the safe is sparkling - the waiting room chairs have been sterilised before being polished, and even the clients were commenting that we seemed to have gone overboard with the bleach. And the most annoying bit about it is that nothing looks any different. But at least we were as sure as we can be that everything would be up to scratch. Then today a client brought in his dog who'd had a minor disagreement with a fence and had cut his ear. Now, ears have a very good blood supply and this, being no exception, was bleeding profusely. The owner was doing a very good job at mopping up and then .... the dog shook his head.

Several times.

It took the vet and I three-quarters of an hour after surgery closed to remove what we hope was the last of the blood from the premises; it had even sprayed inside the drawers. Only the strip light needs cleaning - it was too hot to do tonight, and we didn't want to risk it exploding.

The answer is blowin' in the wind

Days can always be divided into Good and Bad. Today was no exception.

Good (in no particular order):
1. The weather was lovely.
2. We had a good lunch with good friends.
3. They had an interesting amount of mobile furry cushions.
4. We didn't take a dog so I didn't have to empty my bank balance to pay for the damage.
5. We were the first to receive a certain invitation, and it didn't explode when we opened it. (Accepted.)
6. I learned that there are cats that fold without trying to disembowel your arm.
7. When we got home Beattie was so happy she attempted a scamper and prance. We'd thought her fried brain had given up on emotion and were delighted to be proved wrong.
8. The fire lit first go.
9. My experimental supper was a resounding success.
10. When I had my bath there was still plenty of hot water.

Bad:
1. I had cats for many years, but I never knew they farted.