Bell's going to ring Hear the alarms

They tell us that the economy's in a state, that jobs are at risk and that we should all do all we can to help avoid a double-dip recession. That's all well and good, but what can you do when tradesmen can't be bothered to accept a large job?

Our house needs rewiring; that's quite a big job, and will earn an electrician several thousand pounds, so you'd think people would be keen to take it on. We're always told to get at least three quotes, so we asked our friends for recommendations and also looked in the phone book. We generally prefer to use local independent businesses rather than franchises, and five out of the six companies I called were just that.

We were very surprised that three of them never returned my calls (I rang several times over the course of a month in case they were on holiday), and of the three that came to survey the job only one has submitted an estimate, despite the other two both saying they'd "put it in the post on Monday" when we chased them after waiting a week to hear from them. The only one who seems to want the work is the electrician from the franchise, so the job's his.

The electricians who lied to us and wasted our time are N.J.P. Electrics and M.G.F. Electrical. Don't offer them work - they're not interested.

I didn't know what day it was

May 15th

Heathrow Terminal 5 is a disaster. Despite being built only recently it's shabby, dated and user-unfriendly. It was obviously designed by someone who flies a lot and so knows the ropes, and who is wealthy or well-connected enough not to have to fly cattle-class. They really should have tested it out on guinea-pigs like us who haven't a clue - and we weren't the only ones getting confused.

1. Why on earth would you have direction signs for Baggage Reclaim (which you're not allowed to go to before being dealt with by immigration) before you get to the signs for Immigration?

2. Why on earth aren't the signs for UK/EU passports and Other passports clearly differentiated?

3. Why don't the new biometric passport-recognition machines, designed to save time, work? (To be fair, passport photos are bad enough, but after a 10-hour night flight you look even worse than your picture.)

4. Why, once you've negotiated Immigration (1 person manning two desks, with two people on another, isn't efficient) and make your way to Baggage Reclaim (the directions for which are harder to find now that you need them) is there no large, clear sign as soon as you enter the huge hall as to which carousel your luggage should be deposited on?

After the comfort, cleanliness and efficiency of Vancouver airport, this is an embarrassment.

I know I'm not super hip and I'm liable to take a slip

There I was, happily putting in extra-curricular hours designing advertising material even when the sun was shining and there were a squillion things I could be doing outside, absorbing UV rays and converting them to strong, healthy bones so that I don't crumble to dust in the next puff of wind, when I realised that I was actually concerning myself about whether 'the market' gave a tinker's cuss about the shape of the background.

You see, I realised the Evil that is Political Correctness has insinuated itself into my mind, and I was actually troubled about whether using a 6-pointed star background to advertise pet food might offend Jews or whether a 5-pointed star might might indicate witchery.

I must bleach my this contamination from my brain. It is utterly intolerable, not to say appallingly patronising, to start wondering whether random pretty shapes might prove offensive to anyone. That suggests that they don't have the intelligence to see that a shape is just that, and contains no subtle meaning behind it. If anyone's offended by a shape, get over yourself.

I never thought I'd sink so low.

Please release me, let me go

I'm very annoyed. In fact I'm more than annoyed, I'm very very cross and fed up. Yesterday I was silly and clicked on the Friend Finder application on Farcebook. I know, I know, you should never click on anything on the right hand side, but I believed its lies about which of my friends had used it, and now all my real friends are going to get the spam emails like Ned's had in the past about how X, Y and Z are suggesting he joins Farcebook himself. Seeing that some of the invites have been from me, and I haven't sent them, I know it's all spam.

But worse than that I now can't fully sign out of Windows Live after using my email account. All the Hotmail accounts on this computer, even ones that Farcebook haven't heard of, give the same message after signing out - that it's failed to log out of the following site: h ttps://ssl.facebook. com/accept_token. php (I've put in a few spaces to try to stop it making a link). When I paste that into google I find it's been happening for years, with various suggestions of what to do to fix it. The ones that aren't too complicated for me to understand are clearing cookies (done, no effect) and contacting Windows live help (done, no answer).

Does anyone else have any ideas? I'm really not happy.

Whatever you want, the answer's NO

You can't tell me they'd brought only the exact amount of tarmac they needed to fill the hole they'd dug, and didn't have any left over to mend the pothole a mere foot away.



Pathetic, petty Jobsworths.

Reality came around

I know that people mean well when they bring us 'abandoned' or 'I think it's injured' wildlife, but what they're generally doing is actually lessening that animal's chance of survival. With young animals the mother invariably knows exactly where they are, and is only staying out of sight until the terrifying humans have gone before returning to their babies. If the humans abduct the youngster the mother is left bereft, and the baby itself has to survive the third-rate upbringing that's the best we humans can provide. Even if they are actually injured it's best to leave them alone. Minor injuries they'll probably recover from anyway; treatment for more major injuries would involve so much handling by humans the animal is likely to die of shock.

Our hearts sink when the door opens and someone proudly and carefully enters with a cardboard box, and the words "We thought you'd be the best people to bring it to". No we aren't! But once you've picked it up it can't go back because it'll stink of human and then will be abandoned. So we have to decide whether to put it down straight away or keep it overnight with food, water and warmth then release it in the morning.

That's what I'll be doing with the not-quite-fully-fledged collared dove that's currently in the utility room. It stood more chance before it's 'rescuer' came to its aid.

Leave. Them. Alone.

Who do you think you're fooling?

*cue Toggy rant*

It's really irritating when young whippersnappers, barely out of nappies, are firmly convinced they're right and you're wrong. I needed advice about some embroidery I was planning, so thought the best thing to do was visit a little specialist shop I know in town. Unfortunately when I arrived there was a notice in the window saying that they'd relocated, so I followed the directions from the window of the closed shop and scoured the streets to find their new premises. I'm not sure I actually found it, but there was nowhere else for it to be. Usually the staff in sewing and craft shops are remarkably helpful and friendly - I found the exception. When I was asked if I needed help (I was looking round rather randomly because all I could see was fabric) I asked if they stocked embroidery equipment.

"Tapestry?"
"No, emb.."
"Machine embroidery then"
"No, hand emb ..."
"There's no such thing. Either tapestry or machine."
"Sorry, but tapestry is done on canvas with wool ...

Embroidery is done with cotton or silk onto other sorts of fabric."



She glared at me, pushed past and stalked over to a drawer cabinet and pulled out a random skein of embroidery thread.
"Like this?"
"Yes!"
"This is called tapestry" she triumphantly announced.
"No it isn't, I'm afraid, and I don't think you're going to be able to help me."

I left, thinking 'So, I put the egg in my mouth and suck ...'

Smoke gets in your eyes

Typical. As soon as we get some lovely weather - and it has been glorious today - some twunt fires up a barbecue and fills the garden with smoke and stink, driving us indoors again with the doors and windows closed. I wouldn't mind on a campsite but I know for a fact that all the houses around here have kitchens. By all means eat outside, but at least cook indoors and keep the smells to yourself.

Today's other rant; I hate cars when they won't start.

Stay away from my back door too

I don't know if you've heard about the Ashtead Nimbys. These are the residents of an area close by the Headley Court rehabilitation centre where, for decades, injured servicemen have been sent after Selly Oak has stitched them back together to continue their recovery. They include amputees, burns sufferers, brain injuries, loss of sight or hearing, and psychological damage. Some stay for mere months, while others have to stay for years. This is the only specialist centre in the country, and because servicemen come from all over the country their families often have to travel long distances to visit them - and the visits play an important role in the healing process.

Because of the importance of family visits and the difficulties the families face, the charity SSAFA (Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Families Association) have bought a house nearby to the facility (which incidentally recently opened a new 30-bed annexe to cope with the increasing numbers of patients), with the intention of converting it into a home-from-home for the visiting families. It's in a good state of repair; a wheelchair ramp at the front door will be needed but not much else structurally. It's anticipated that about eight people would stay there, with an upper limit of 12. So SSAFA applied to the local council for planning permission for a wheelchair ramp, and change of use.

Guess what. The local council received 83 letters of objection from the local residents, claiming that the "increased traffic noise" and "additional pollution" from a 'short-term, multiple-occupancy hostel' would lower the value of their houses, and make them a "soft touch" for "those awful terrorists". If it were a halfway house for sex offenders or junkies or similar they might have more of a point (not in respect of noise or pollution, obviously, but regarding the desirability of possibly unsafe neighbours), but here we're talking not about criminals, whether or not they've served their time, but about ordinary families whose lives have been torn apart and will never be the same again. They could be you or me - anyone who has a husband or son old enough to be called up.

Shame on them. It seems nothing's changed since Kipling wrote 'Tommy' all those years ago, condemning the hypocrisy of so many civilians regarding those who're prepared to risk their lives. I don't know anyone who agrees with the wars our troops are fighting, but the people to take it out on are the politicians, not the troops themselves.

"For it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Chuck him out, the brute!"
But it's "Saviour of 'is country," when the guns begin to shoot;"

No Heroes In Our Backyard, eh?

However someone's got up a petition to protest at this disgusting behaviour, and it's doing quite well. Please feel free to sign it.

I'll show you how to walk the dog

So, that’s Crufts over for another year, and the TV presentation just gets worse and worse. The only improvement over last year was that they got Clare Balding back to try to keep that juvenile drip Ben Fogle more under control, and she managed reasonably well, though he did sneak in a few excruciatingly amateur moments when she momentarily dropped her guard. The main problem, though, is that the BBC doesn’t seem to realise it’s a dog show and viewers want to see the dogs, not the trade stands and listen to the presenters’ anecdotes. Imagine the furore if the Wimbledon coverage concentrated on chats with spectators, discussion of the quality of the strawberries and cream and a selection of the souvenirs available in the shop but only a cursory glimpse of the final game of the tournament. How narked would footy fans be if the only televised football they got was the edited highlights of the FA Cup, not even the whole match? There’d be riots in the streets.

To those who don’t know, Crufts is the only show that you can’t just enter – your dog has to qualify for entry by getting winning places in certain classes at a limited number of other shows throughout the year, so just being able to enter is an achievement. It’d be nice to actually see more of the classes being judged, and have knowledgeable commentators like Frank Kane explaining to the non-showing viewers what’s going on, what the judge is looking for, etc. A special programme about the other activities would be good; the gamekeepers’ classes, the obedience, the agility, the flyball. And, instead of Mary Ray’s now rather tedious and lack-lustre heelwork-to-music (I thought circus animal acts were considered to be poor taste nowadays?) as a warm-up to the final competition for Best in Show how much more interesting and educational (for example, not many people realise that the King Charles Spaniel and Cavalier King Charles Spaniel are two different breeds) would be a parade of all 208 recognised breeds with a commentary briefly describing the origins and history of each. That way the general public would get a better understanding of why the various breeds were developed they way they are; their functions dictating to great extent their form. Surely being taken seriously wouldn’t be too much to ask.

It ain't what you say, it's the way that you say it

Today I hurt my chin. You’ll recall I was advised to phone local boarding kennels to find out what they charge and ask half that for looking after Millie. Today, being a day off, I decided to do just that, and got out the phone book. Gosh, it’s quite expensive, isn’t it? I called a few of local ones first; the first one didn’t answer; the second charges £12/dog/day; the other £9.50 + VAT/dog/day. Then I called one that’s further away but sounds quite upmarket – from the advert it’s the sort of place I’d consider for my lot. They do indeed sound lovely and charge £10/dog/day. Then I tried the first one again, and the conversation went like this:

Me: “Good afternoon! I was wondering how much you charge to board a medium-sized dog?”
Him: “What time of year, duck?”
“Errm - early June.”
“What sort of dog? Is it a crossbreed?”
“No, it’s a Dalmatian.”
“We don’t take Dalmatians. Goodbye.”
With that he slammed the phone down.

My chin? I think it got bruised when it hit the floor.

Ostriches

What is it that some people are missing in their lives that makes them want to cause trouble to others? I hang about a lot on a dog information forum, where for most of the time we deal with the routine questions along the lines of “I’m looking for a XXXX puppy, do you know of any reputable breeders?” which is a nice easy question to answer. You do a link to the Kennel Club Breed Standard and refer them to the list of relevant breed clubs at the bottom of the page. Job done, everyone’s happy. There are also very many people who say “I’ve got a dog/bitch and want to stud him/breed from her, how do I go about it?” This is trickier, because naturally everyone thinks their dog is the best, and don’t realise that probably 90% of pedigree dogs aren’t good enough to breed from. They are delightful animals and lovely pets, but not a breeding prospect. They have no idea of the tests for hereditary problems that should be carried out, and the research into bloodlines that is required to be as sure as you can be that the proposed match isn't going to be a disaster. As far as they are concerned you just put a dog and bitch (of hopefully the same breed) together and make a fortune. Diplomacy is called for in the wording of the replies because naturally you don’t want them to go off in a huff.

But the really annoying ones are the Trolls and WUMs who simply take pleasure in being stupid and irritating people. They repeatedly get banned from the forum, but re-register under a different username and start all over again. It’s as if they don’t realise that the site owners can trace their computer’s ID. I suppose you have to feel sorry for them, that they have nothing better to do, but sometimes you just want to detonate them and be done with it.

The blustery day

My goodness, it's been blowy! Excellent for drying washing, despite occasionally having to retrieve clothes from neighbours' gardens where they have been borne upon the breeze, but not so good structurally. Several fence posts have decided that 60 degrees is the new vertical, a large section of guttering is investigating life at grass-roots level and three panes of greenhouse glass have gone forth and multiplied into about 15 million. We shall be busy little people tomorrow.

Unless of course, tomorrow has been planned by a woman. For it is Mothering Sunday, when all mums get treated to a day of rest and pleasure. Household chores will be done by their adoring family, and in the afternoon they can recline with a box of scrummy choccies and watch a romantic black-and-white film on the television. I'll check the TV listings to discover the difficult choice I will have to make. Will it be 'A Town Like Alice'? 'From Here to Eternity'? Or even 'Brief Encounter'? Let's see. A soap omnibus edition, followed by Fame Academy. Rugby. The Malaysian Grand Prix. Enterprise. Or T.J. Hooker.

Well, what do you know? Mothering Sunday has nothing to do with women. I'll be mending the guttering followed by playing the Ironing Game. Maybe next year will be better, eh? But I'm not holding my breath.