Woo-ee-oo-ee-oooo ..... wah wah wah

You can cut the tension in the village with a courgette. The scene is set for an almighty feud. For months, nay years, this has been 'Captain Pugwash' territory, where everyone paid up and nobody got hurt. Tonight there's a new kid on the block, a Johnny-come-lately, an interloper, a challenger for the throne, who goes by the tune of 'Teddy-bears' Picnic'. It'll be 99s at dawn, fully complemented with choco flakes, chopped nuts and lashings of raspberry sauce, with Calippos as backup firepower.

There are two icecream vans vying for supremacy.